The Good Divorce - How to Get One
October 24, 2006 – 10:28 pmLast week I wrote about how to save your relationship and as promised, this week - if you just can’t save the relationship (or don’t want to) - how to divorce in the best way possible.
The number one best piece of advice I can give you is to get your divorce over with as quickly and easily as possible. These are words that are much easier said than done, so let me give you some information that can actually help you do this.
1. Try not to use a lawyer.
Now this may sound awfully strange coming from a lawyer, but the truth of the matter is that traditional lawyers are incentivized by their hourly fees to keep your divorce going much longer than it has to and that’s not in your best interest. As an alternative, consider mediation services such as Peace Talks, http://www.peace-talks.com/, or if you are going to use a lawyer, consider using a collaborative lawyer - you can find one at http://www.abetterdivorce.com. Best of all - resolve as much as you can yourself and then use a lawyer just to document the agreement you reached together.
2. Let go of the things you think are important to you.
One of the most difficult parts of my divorce was making the decision to move out of my house. My house was the perfect house for me and I really didn’t want to move out, but I knew if I stayed and fought, it would create a lot of pain for everyone. And, when I really considered what was more important - the house or my freedom - I chose to let go of the house (and everything in it), even though it felt really difficult at the time. All of the “things” were easily replaceable. The relationship with my ex-husband and kids could have been irrevocably damaged had I decided to stay and fight.
One friend of mine, a former Microsoft employee who had made oodles of money while working at Microsoft, gave it all to his wife during their divorce, trusting in himself that if he made it once, he could make it all again. He says it was one of the best decisions he ever made.
3. Don’t take anything personally.
Whether you are the one who wants the divorce or not, it’s going to be painful. There’s just no way around it - separation hurts. Try not to take anything that the other person says personally. It’s not about you; what you are witnessing is their pain. The more you take things personally, the more you will stay embroiled in the fight. If you can let go of everything your soon to be -ex says, you will be much more able to reach a resolution and move on. Do everything you can to appreciate the person you are separating from. Trust me, I know it’s hard, but it’s worth it.
Each of the three steps I’ve talked about are really hard work. So, why do it? Because it’s much easier than a long drawn out fight that could cost you your relationships with your children, your -ex, and even yourself. For me, once my divorce was final, my creativity and my joy exploded. It was as if some part of me was holding back it’s full potential until I was free of my old relationship. Think about the cost of fighting - not only the cost of lawyers and forensic accounts (which are substantial!), but also the mental costs. I can assure you, that whatever you are fighting about - it’s probably not worth it. Let it go and get on with your life.
Dedicated to Your Family’s Well-Being,
Alexis
P.S. We have two new folks at Martin Neely & Associates that you’ll want to say hi to next time you stop in the office. Jill Ganger is our new office manager who comes to us with an IT and Management background and she is going to help us create new systems and processes that will make the firm run even better and Elaine Williams is our new paralegal coming to us with years and years of trusts and estates experience and a great attitude, we are so glad she’s here.